Friday, June 02, 2006

random thought


Do ya ever feel like your all alone in this big ole world. Dont feel like you can turn to anyone for help and when theres an offer for help you dont want to take it cause you dont want to be a "chairty" case or you dont want to be any sort of burden on anyone at all. You want to be able to do it yourself but just cant figure a way to do it now. I feel like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to go but cant. I want to stay but cant. I want to be with someone but cant. I want freedom but it was bought long ago little by little till i have none left. Didnt even realize it was gone till it was way too late. Someone I thought I knew Is a complete stranger to me now and I morn the loss deeply. I morn the loss of what was and what was supposed to be.I wish things were different!! Im tired of constantly living in a state of complete lies. from both of us. Im tired of not being ME. I feel like i am runing out of time to make myself happy but I still cant figure a way to do that. I have talked about feelings and what i need till i can no longer muster the energy to do it anymore. I walk around in complete silence unless Im asked a question. A shell of who i once was. I used to be soo full of life and energy, constantly on the go. Now i go nowhere unless i have a "watchdog" and y girls no longer fall into that category.
Im supposed to get a house that is curently being remodeled and the landlord is letting me pick the carpet and linoleum and house colors. he wants at least a year lease but I dont know if i will still be here in a year. heck I dont know how and If I'll make it the next 24 hours here. Im in love and cant do a thing about it. My heart aches daily to be able to touch someone that isnt there anymore. To be able to look into his eyes and to be able to say "I Love you" would be sheer joy to me.but Life goes on, wether you are apart of it or not. You try to make the best with what you have. and thats the most anyone can expect

Monday, May 29, 2006

Powell River Tennessee


Friday night we took the girls camping in tennessee on the Powell river (outside of harrogate TN). It was nice to get away from the house for a bit. We did a bit of night fishing tho we didnt get a single bite. It was nice just to sit and listen to the tree frogs and night birds. we were asleep for about an hour when a hoot owl landed right above out tent and hegan to hoot! Man that thing was loud! This photo was taken on a creek that flows into the powell river. I just couldnt pass up this falls shot. I took it hand held with a slow shutter and I cant believe its in focus! I usually try to hold my camera agains a tree so i dont get a camera shake but i was standing in a narrow gravel road with no path to get to the falls like i wanted to. Im way too scared of poisonous snakes to walk anywhere i cant see my own feet in and this spot had quite a bit of brush and vines. I hope everyone has a great memorial day and please stay safe out there.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Reviving this blog



So Ive decided to revive this blog but not for the purpose of self portrait project anymore. I couldnt keep up with it and couldnt find the creativity I needed to keep it going. sothis will now just be a blog about my life and lessons that I learn along the way.

This is a photo of my baby(6yo) playing on the river bank at her grannys. I took this shot just to remember the day we spent playing in the sand, skipping rocks and just chatting. I have spent far too much time trying to be "creative and artistic" lately and It was way past time I got back to the basics of just enjoying my babies and watching them grow and become wonderful people.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Day 15

"All I Want"
All I want is a hand to hold.
All I want is an ear that will listen not just hear.
All I want are eyes that see past what is in front of them to what is hidden.
All I want is a shoulder to lay my head on.
All I want is a heart I can tell my secrets to.
All I want is a lap to sit on when there are no chairs.
See me. Only me. Know me. Love me. Keep me.
Just let it be real. This time. The first time. The last time. This time, it will last.
At the end of the day when everything is settled, you can be you with me. Put down all guards against the outside, come inside.....

By Tracy Collins

I think this poem is exactly what Ive been looking for and have finally found once again.

Day 14

"To be young again"
Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened!
Just a quote I found online yesterday and I thought about it as I was getting up to chimp my camera to check focus once again. I really need to get a remote!

Day 13

"Tribute"
This was done with the whole "cheeseman saga" in mind and my classier version ;o)
Plus I thinik pink is such an erotic color for most people and then add silk your bound to get in trouble somewhere along the line...heee heee

day 12

"Just me and my Teddy"

Ok, trying to catch up again...sort went a bit risque' on my shots today....hope they go over well.
this is lloyd my teddy bear. I got him from a boyfriend in 6th grade after i told him I didnt have one(cause i left it at my mothers house and couldnt get it back). I think it was a very thoughtful gift from a boy so young. I imaginge hes made some girl a very good husband.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Day 11

"Watching the Rain"

Woke up this morning to thunderstorms. I just love to watch the rain fall and listen to the rain hitting the leaves. Music to my ears. I love to watch a lightning storms at night too. When i was young i used to sit on the front porch with my dad watching them and chatting about all kinds of stuff. Its a memory I love to relive someday when Im closer to my dad. I miss having that one on one time with him to just talk about life. Its not the same over the phone and I miss him terriably!

Day 10

"Fishy Kisses in pink"

Another game my daughter cassandra and I play. We have made up all kinds of different kisses and every time we play we have to come up with a new kiss.

And PINK IS A GIRLS BEST FRIEND too....not just diamonds ;o) laurie knows what Im talking about..dont ya laurie

Day 9

"Gimmie some sugar"

Anyone that knows me know I love kisses! Its become a game with my niece and nephew, when they see me I have to try and catch them to get my hello and goodbye kisses. Growing up it was a rule that you never left the house without giving a kiss goodbye and saying "I love you" just in case (god forbid) it is the last thing you ever say to family. It is a tradition I carry on in my family too. I also do this with my best friends because I think you can never say "i love you " to much to someone you truly care about. If anything should ever happen to me I want my friends and family to NEVER doubt how I felt about them.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

day 8

"To honor my 11th grade english teacher"
Mrs.McMahon was the teacher that truly gave me my love for reading. She made us read "To Kill a Mockingbird" and at first I thought she was the most evil teacher that ever lived. How dare she make us read a book that was written during the depression! I really got into reading that book and Its now one of my favorites. I have read that same book at least 400 times since 1990(oops..just gave away my age didnt I?)

day 7

"Why do i have to pick just one?"
I know...Im way behind..'tis the story of my life! I took this one thinking about the thread i started about putting woody and duckie in the same photos and the thread took of with duckie photos and woody got left in the dust. I would love to see more photos where woody and duckie become life long friends and even have a little series in mind for them...just have to find all the props for it first which is proving harder than i thought.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

day6


"DayDreaming"

Iknow Im behind on posting but life has stepped in the way these past few days. I will continue to post new ones as i get a chance to work them. This is me at my best. I tend to do this alot, always have. If i have a window nearby Im looking out it thinking about everything. this project has proven to be alot harder than i thought it was going to be. but I am finding it a fun excercise and Im having a blast! I alos love that my hubby thinks Im nuts for taking photos of myself. heee heeee