random thought

Do ya ever feel like your all alone in this big ole world. Dont feel like you can turn to anyone for help and when theres an offer for help you dont want to take it cause you dont want to be a "chairty" case or you dont want to be any sort of burden on anyone at all. You want to be able to do it yourself but just cant figure a way to do it now. I feel like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to go but cant. I want to stay but cant. I want to be with someone but cant. I want freedom but it was bought long ago little by little till i have none left. Didnt even realize it was gone till it was way too late. Someone I thought I knew Is a complete stranger to me now and I morn the loss deeply. I morn the loss of what was and what was supposed to be.I wish things were different!! Im tired of constantly living in a state of complete lies. from both of us. Im tired of not being ME. I feel like i am runing out of time to make myself happy but I still cant figure a way to do that. I have talked about feelings and what i need till i can no longer muster the energy to do it anymore. I walk around in complete silence unless Im asked a question. A shell of who i once was. I used to be soo full of life and energy, constantly on the go. Now i go nowhere unless i have a "watchdog" and y girls no longer fall into that category.
Im supposed to get a house that is curently being remodeled and the landlord is letting me pick the carpet and linoleum and house colors. he wants at least a year lease but I dont know if i will still be here in a year. heck I dont know how and If I'll make it the next 24 hours here. Im in love and cant do a thing about it. My heart aches daily to be able to touch someone that isnt there anymore. To be able to look into his eyes and to be able to say "I Love you" would be sheer joy to me.but Life goes on, wether you are apart of it or not. You try to make the best with what you have. and thats the most anyone can expect